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Expreciations was tonight. I cried, I would have cried more but I restrained myself. It was a good show, it was meaningful, and i appreciate every little comment that was made about me. Getting to the end of the year I keep thinking about the people I wish I got to know better. There are so many intriguing people on this campus who I've never really gotten to know. Yes, they are people I would consider friends but there are probably so many more dimensions to them that I might never get to see. When I look back on these two years, my friends have changed so much and I can almost divide it into semesters. First year first semester was the MB boys and Alison, the second semester was Tahl, Ian, Piero, Len, and Carlos, Second year first semester was Andy, Aaron, Zach, River, Aine, and then this semester, Chen, Andy, Jeremiah, Nicky, River. It seems to be a constantly changing situation. It's made it hard to get close to any group of people without isolating another. And it's not like those are my only friends. I guess it made it possible to be friends with everyone though. But it makes it hard to find a place to exactly fit. Who needs to fit in anyway? I like the dynamics I have going on.

Troy
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It's almost 5 am and I am restless. I've tried to be asleep since 12. I have more on my mind than I seem to be able to deal with right now. I keep fantasizing about Tufts. What life like will be there, activities I might join, the type of people I will meet. All these ideas keep running through me head pretty much non stop. I went through a bit of a identity crisis the past few days, but I think I've finally accepted that I am young and that I do not have to figure out anything now. Who I am, and more specifically, what my sexuality is, will come to me when I am ready. I just feel like I should just know right now. It should just be apparant, but it's not and I WILL figure it out. Besides, what matters in the long run is that person I will spend the rest of my life with, if X evers shows up.

Good night
Troy

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tonight...um yea.

Troy

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Is it ok to be stressed about not being stressed? I feel like I should have more weight on my shoulders. I want to do well on my IBs and get many many credits from Tufts but I'm not that motivated to do so. I'm in already. Tufts is what I wanted and I got it. All I need is 5's on my exams and I can do that. I have this giant schedule that I find somewhat easy to stick to but no desire to. I'd much rather sit in Annas room and eat ice cream with her and Chen. Do they do that in college by the way? Or is everyone so in their own little world that people forget about each other. Plus I'm broken. That doesn't help the motivate me to do things. I slept all day instead of worked. Tomorrow the girls from phenemonal women come to the school so there goes half my afternoon. I should wake up early and study but I just don't function in the mornings. I need to work out. That was the deal for piercing my naval but thats not working out so well is it. My tragus looks good though. Yay for piercings. And tattoos. And body art in general. I can never write a coherent livejournal entry.

Troy
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I'm going to be an aunt again!! My sister is once again pregnant. And I think it's a boy.

Yea!!

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I just completely fucked up my french oral. I bombed it. I've worked so hard learning french and I can carry a conversation fine with the french speaking people on campus. But I just can't perform when the time comes. Fuck fuck fuck.

Troy

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I wish the girls could live in new mexico with me.

Troy

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I am ready to go to sleep and magically wake up at home. Only 9 more hours!

Troy

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I just feel so apathetic.

Troy

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My thoughts are completely incoherent. I really need to just sit down and have a long good talk with someone. I also need to do something new. I'm so stuck in the same routine and everything just seems so...blah. I can't wait for Boston next year and actually being able to get out every once in a while. Yes, vegas really isn't that bad, but I can't revolve my life around going to Wal-Mart and Dick's (less dirty than it sounds). I just want something more. I want new faces, strangers, and the freedom to walk around Boston on my own. I want to walk through the commons again and wander through the north end. I want to explore Harvard Square and just function on my own again. I want to go home. I really want to see Jess, Kim, and Kelly. And just have have fun, no worries no restrictions. I want someone to hold me. I think this is what everything eventually boils down to. I'm just so lonely sometimes. And it's not in a horny I need someone right now kinda way...I just want someone to understand me. I want someone who can make me laugh. Or maybe I don't know what I want. A certain visitor is coming soon, wants? needs? Who knows.

In other news: I have a new goal. I played Tennis today. For this first time in quite awhile...and it was amazing. I love that feeling of power I have when I hit really good shots and how good it feels to be running after balls and just being sucessful at something. So I've decided that I'm going to try to get back in shape and get my tennis game back on par because I really want to try to make the Tufts Tennis Team. I don't think I can go varsity, but I think I can try for JV. So attain this goal certain things must happen. This includes getting back into shape. I'm going to start playing more with Roger's wife Mimi but I'm also going to start going to the gym. I finally have a motivation to get back into the shape I was before UWC. And then I can continue during the summer. I can try to reconnect with people like ranjan, nicole, maybe even try to get Kyle to help me out a bit if hes not already doing some crazy tennis thing over the summer. And there is always my dad. And I will work out. I've got the job at Chili's pretty much so that will keep my on my feet, but I will need to find an outlet to really get in shape. I want to do this, and I think that I can.

Troy
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